You might have a bad doctor if

he has a pack of Marlboros rolled up in the sleeve of his lab coat.

Your kid might be running with the wrong crowd if

he asks Grandma for a lap dance.

You might consider cutting down on your drinking if

Teddy is your designated driver.

Your spouse might be taking you for granted if

she introduces you as her "sperm donor."

You might have a bad doctor if

he attends your surgery dressed as a pirate.

This week's contest was suggested by Jeffrey R. Kern of Montgomery Village, who wins a Pittsburgh Penguins foam rubber "Puckhead" hat donated to The Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wrote in to say she believes The Style Invitational is getting a little too snide. The witch. Jeffrey suggests that you complete any of the four phrases above, as in the examples given. First-prize winner gets a fabulous "Independence Day" magnetic dartboard sent to this newspaper as a promotional freebie in the hopes of getting rave reviews. What they failed to consider was our famed snideness. "Independence Day" is a great big rancid gasbag of a movie, says The Washington Post.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 174, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads.

Report from Week 171,

in which you were asked to come up with ideas that never quite made it off the drawing board. Several people proposed "Dole/Thurmond '96."

-- Fourth Runner-Up: "Droopers," a singles restaurant in which waitresses are average middle-aged women. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

-- Third Runner-Up: A new line of Kathie Lee Gifford sweat suits. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata)

-- Second Runner-Up: Ipecacsicles. (John Kammer, Herndon)

-- First Runner-Up: Singing mammograms. (Dudley Thompson Jr., Silver Spring)

-- And the winner of the three-masted schooner made out of Coors cans:

The Slim-Fast Blimp. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

-- Honorable Mentions:

Getting a custom license plate that says

SCRU U FUZ (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Breaking the stress of air traffic controlling by having everyone talk like Donald Duck.

(Earl Gilbert, La Plata)

Loincloth Fridays. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

For defense against dogs, required small-arms training for postal workers. (David Genser, Vienna)

Putting prostate testing machines in Giant stores. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Fodor's guide to North Korea. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Blindfolds and Ice Picks" party game.

(Tim Morgen, Laurel)

Feminine napkin rings.

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Resigning from the Senate. (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Months-of-the-year underwear. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"A Charlie Brown Purim." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

The 1910 Fruitgum Company reunion tour. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Dashboard light to indicate deployed air bag. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In the interests of world standards, the United States will change to driving on the left side of the road beginning at midnight Dec. 31, 1996. (Gene Van Pelt, Verona)

Zippers on condoms. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Self-serve pharmacies. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Style Invitational Loser's Trusses.

(David Zarrow, Herndon)

Ben and Jerry's new Frozen Borscht.

(Tim Morgen, Laurel)

Big Al's Douching Service.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The Luddites' Home Page.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Optional toaster for hot tubs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Devil's Head glowing night light for toddlers. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Preggers Night: Half-price on all liquor for expectant moms! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Spice jar packaging for ant poison lets you keep the poison conveniently in your spice rack but doesn't tip off visitors that you have an ant problem. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Titanic II. (George Wetherill, Washington)

Hot-water toilets. (Charlie Myers, Laurel)

Hiring The Post's comics editor to host "Politically Incorrect." (Jonathan Paul,

Garrett Park)

NOW members' discount night at Hooters.

(Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon)

The Spleenmaster. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Brown Poupon. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

condoms? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Next Week: Poedtry